Knox Harrington

HELLO, DO YOU KNOW US?WE'RE A MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL TEAM

2009-04-07T17:25:00.008-05:00

It's that time of the year folks. The smell of pine tar and ballsweat runs rampant. You feel that $8.00 for nachos is reasonable and $9 beers served in plastic cups by people with less teeth than a two-year old are just what the doctor ordered. It's baseball season and it's about damn time.

The St. Louis Cardinals look damn fine on paper and play a mean 8 innings, but after a tough Opening Day loss to the Butt-Pirates, the bullpen still proves to be a problem. In my opinion, or IMO as the kids say, a freshly trimmed Jason Motte is the root of said problem. This isn't the fucking Yankees. Your manager falls asleep at the wheel and has longer hair than the Jonas Brothers. Keep that shit long and dirty, Mottsey. You're a damn closer. Does the name Al Hrabosky mean nothing to you? Nevertheless, there are still 161 games to go and the Cardinals will still be going to the Fall Classic.

In celebration of a new year and a new look, here are my much anticipated nicknames for your 2009 St. Louis Cardinals: (for a look at last year's list, don't not click HERE)

29 - Chris Carpenter "Jeans"
31 - Ryan "Higher Than Colorado Pine Trees" Franklin
52 - "Skinny" Josh Kinney
26 - Kyle Lohse "With The Most"
46 - Kyle "Gellin' Like A Fellon" McClellan
43 - Trever Miller "Time"
43 - Trever "And Ever" Miller
60 - Jason Motte"s Applesauce"
60 - Jason "Shit Or Get Off The" Motte
60 - Jason "Some Like It" Motte
35 - Joel "Tengo Mucho" Pineiro
36 - Dennys "Grand Slam Breakfast" Reyes
48 - "Babyface" Brad Thompson
50 - "Up And" Adam Wainwright
37 - "Rod And" Todd Wellemeyer
21 - Jason "Skip To" LaRue
21 - Jason LaRue"manchu"
4 - "Hardy Body Yadi"er Molina
23 - Brian "It's Spelled Differently And I'm Not Black" Barden
12 - David "Mr." Freese
12 - David "Tastee" Freese
3 - Khalil "Spicolli" Greene
3 - Khalil "John Deere" Greene
3 - Khalil "Stinky" Greene
5 - Albert "Winnie The" Pujols
5 - Albert "I Gonna Talk About Got, And My Familee" Pujols
13 - Brendan "Pink Shirt" Ryan
55 - Skip "Jared Michael" Schumaker
22 - Joe Thurston "J. Howell"
24 - "Slick" Rick Ankiel
24 - Rick "The Stick" Ankiel
24 - Rick "Hammerin' Ank"iel
16 - Chris Duncan "Hines"
16 - Chris Duncan "Donuts"
47 - Ryan "R-Lud" Ludwick
47 - Ryan "Big Dick" Ludwick
47 - Ryan Ludwick"ipedia"
28 - Colby "Ass Munch" Rasmus
28 - "The Elusive" Colby Rasmus

BUTT ON A BIKE

2009-03-31T17:27:00.002-05:00

This little gem came across my desk by way of Mr. B. Ford.
The man knows funny.

TAR CALK

2009-03-04T18:04:00.011-06:00

Tired of sitting at your computer all day with nothing but the lull of fluorescent lights and the occasional cracks and pops of a printer to keep you company? Well then, my favorite podcast, Car Talk is for you. Hands-down the best way to have a laugh while almost learning something, Car Talk will keep you entertained for damn near an hour. Put simply, the "brothers" Tom and Ray Magliozzi take calls from around the country regarding people's automotive troubles then attempt to solve their problems over the phone. While this may sound dull to the average person who could care less about the modern motor carriage, the witty (and usually correct) advice given to those who call in is comedic gold. It's also worth the price of admission (free) to hear said callers describe the myriad of sounds emanating from their buckets of bolts. Anything from a simple "pop" to a "rat-a-tat-tat-tat-thump" to "wur, wur, wur," this is a perfect show for a non-visual medium. For a more visual representation of the show, check out their killer swag.

ETZ CHAIM HE, DUDE.

2009-02-14T17:08:00.007-06:00

Someone recently asked me if I recite a line from The Big Lebowski every day. "Certainly it's a possibility," I replied while seriously contemplating whether or not I really do. Well sirs and womens, I hereby declare the start of a little experiment I'd like to call "The Big Lebowski Quote of the Day" or TBLQOTD for long. Any time throughout the day I find myself saying something from that glorious '98 Coen Bros. flick, I will try my damndest to post it on this here blogs (in the right-hand column). At very least, I will write it down or text it to myself or something and post it here later (with original date and time of occurance). This should be fun.

BEST GAME EVER

2009-01-14T12:23:00.006-06:00

The object of the game is simple: collect "x" number of goo balls in a container to proceed to the next level. How you get the goo balls in the container is not so simple. In World of Goo, you use various types of goo balls, little sticky balls that connect to each other to form structures, to make your way to a pipeline that sucks up said goo balls into a collection vessel. However, there are a myriad of bombs, bottomless pits, gears, weather conditions, and general pains in your ass that make collecting goo balls anything but easy. On top of that, different goo balls do different things. Some are rigid and sturdy, some are slimy and droopy, some are fragile bubbles, some are match heads that ignite near flame, and some you can shoot like rockets. Oh, and did I mention there are no directions on how to complete each level? Only witty titles that hint at the solution and little sarcastic notes on a sign (left by the elusive Sign Painter). Most levels are relatively easy, able to be completed in a couple of minutes. Others take try after try and hour after hour to figure out a solution. And, once you've figured out the solution, there is still the task of making it work and getting your goo balls to the pipeline. This game is insanely addictive and may cause you to lose sleep or dream about goo balls. The graphics are amazing (especially the Information Superhighway level) and the satire is rampant. Not to mention the entire game was created by just two guys! World of Goo manages to incorporate physics, humor, fun, and creative thinking into the best game I've played since Gran Turismo. It's available on the Nintendo Channel of Wii for 1500 Wii Points ($15.00) or for your home computer (Mac and PC). Below is a short trailer for the game. I emplore you, find someone who has this game (or just buy it for yourself) and see what all the hype's about. GOOd day.

BEST ALBUM OF 2008

2008-12-15T16:11:00.003-06:00

The year of the rat is almost over and with it came some fairly decent albums. Not the least of which was the long anticipated Guns N' Roses release Chinese Democracy. TV On The Radio produced one of the best overall albums of the year, while T.I. dropped the dopest rap album in years. The Black Keys turned Ike Turner lyrics into blues gold with Attack And Release, The Duke Spirit takes one part Jefferson Airplane, one part Fiona Apple, shakes them up with a little Heart and pours out a nice concoction of good old fashioned indie rock. Ladytron, Portishead and Tricky gave hope to the trip-hop dance scene while The Mars Volta just gave hope to tripping. Jack White, Brendan Benson and friends rocked the house with their sophomore effort Consolers Of The Lonely further validating J-Dub's rediculous talent to be amazing at everything he does. Metal fell a little short in 2008 despite the uprise of such retro metal bands as Danava and The Sword. Metallica put out a new album but who the fuck cares. Slipknot's release All Hope Is Gone was more technical than previous efforts but still nowhere near as mind-blowing as 1999's self-titled debut. The one bright spot in dark music was undoubtedly Meshuggah's Obzen which sounds like a blender and a jackhammer had a child and that child played a chainsaw. Insane time signatures and complex arrangements keep you on your toes at all times. Vote now for your favorite album of '08 at the bottom of this blog and download the one's you haven't heard, you'll thank me later. Here's a good place to start.

CARDINALS SIGN SPICOLI

2008-12-05T13:55:00.007-06:00

In a somewhat surprising move Thursday, the St. Louis Cardinals have chosen Khalil Greene to plug the gap between the hot corner (where hot pancakes are served) and second base. Greene, entering into his sixth full MLB season, was once a top prospect. He finished second in 2004's Rookie of the Year race narrowly losing out to Pittsburgh's Jason "I Just May" Bay. He did, in fact, put up some amazing numbers in '07 further elevating his status as one of the premier shortstops in the game. His defense remains unquestionably fantastic but his performance at the plate in '08 left much to be desired. Maybe it was the fact that he's been in San Diego playing for the Fathers for five years and can only take so much losing. Maybe it's that he looks exactly like Jeff "People on 'ludes should not drive" Spicoli. Maybe he was downtrodden by the older Padres generation (consisting mainly of Tony Gwynn, Greg Maddux, Jimmy "Funboy" Edmonds, Steve Garvey, and Benito Santiago) and lost the desire to perform at a superstar level. Whatever the reason, Khalil took it upon himself to end last year's madness and broke his hand punching a storage unit. But you should have seen the storage unit! Anyhoo, it appears everything has worked out for the better as he now finds himself $6.5 million richer and starting shortstop for a definite pennant contender. The Cardinals too get a fine deal dropping the effeminate baggage that was Cesar Izturis along with his average defense and piss-poor batting for a minor league pitcher and a player to be named later. I'm confident that with a new team and the most money he's ever made, Khalil Greene will shine in the Gateway City. After all, all he needs are some tasty waves, a cool buzz, and he's fine.

STOP, DROP, SHUT 'EM DOWN, TALK ABOUT BARACK

2008-11-21T09:38:00.007-06:00

Sorry about the lack of postings during the past couple of weeks but some of us have to work for a living. Anyhoo, a couple of things have changed in the world since my last bloggings, namely that we have a new President-elect! That's right, no more Dubya. Now our President is a calm, cool, collected White Sox fan. Who could be better to run this great country of ours than a man who has the same deep hatred towards the Cubs that I exercise on a daily basis. Really, at this point in time the election of Barack Obama is not really news anymore. It's now more like common knowledge. There was a time, however, that Barack Obama was still relatively unkown to the general public...even during his monumentous 2-year campaign. One such individual was good ol' Earl Simmons, a.k.a. DMX. You would think, being a black man himself, DMX would have been on top of a black man running for President of the United States, but you sirs and maddams would be wrong. Below is my favorite magazine interview of all time between the "big and tall" of periodicals, XXL Magazine, and the king of Ruff Rydin', Earl "Dark Man X" Simmons.

XXL Magazine: Are you following the presidential race?
DMX: Not at all.

XXL Magazine: You’re not? You know there’s a Black guy running, Barack Obama and then there’s Hillary Clinton.
DMX: His name is Barack?!

XXL Magazine: Barack Obama, yeah.
DMX: Barack?!

XXL Magazine: Barack.
DMX: What the fuck is a Barack?! Barack Obama. Where he from, Africa?

XXL Magazine: Yeah, his dad is from Kenya.
DMX: Barack Obama?

XXL Magazine: Yeah.
DMX: What the fuck?! That ain’t no fuckin’ name, yo. That ain’t that nigga’s name. You can’t be serious. Barack Obama. Get the fuck outta here.

XXL Magazine: You’re telling me you haven’t heard about him before.
DMX: I ain’t really paying much attention.

XXL Magazine: I mean, it’s pretty big if a Black…
DMX: Wow, Barack! The nigga’s name is Barack. Barack? Nigga named Barack Obama. What the fuck, man?! Is he serious? That ain’t his fuckin’ name. Ima tell this nigga when I see him, “Stop that bullshit. Stop that bullshit” [laughs] “That ain’t your fuckin’ name.” Your momma ain’t name you no damn Barack.

XXL Magazine: So you’re not following the race. You can’t vote right?
DMX: Nope.

XXL Magazine: Is that why you’re not following it?
DMX: No, because it’s just—it doesn’t matter. They’re gonna do what they’re gonna do. It doesn’t really make a difference. These are the last years.

XXL Magazine: But it would be pretty big if we had a first Black president. That would be huge. DMX: I mean, I guess…. What, they gon’ give a dog a bone? There you go. Ooh, we have a Black president now. They should’ve done that shit a long time ago, we wouldn’t be in the fuckin’ position we in now. With world war coming up right now. They done fucked this shit up then give it to the Black people, “Here you take it. Take my mess.”

XXL Magazine: Right, exactly.
DMX: It’s all a fuckin’ setup. It’s all a setup. All fuckin’ bullshit. All bullshit. I don’t give a fuck about none of that.

XXL Magazine: We could have a female president also, Hillary Clinton.
DMX: I mean, either way it doesn’t matter. I don’t care. No one person is directly affected by which president, you know, so what does it matter.

XXL Magazine: Yeah, but the country is.
DMX: I guess. The president is a puppet anyway. The president don’t make no damn decisions. The president…they don’t have that much authority basically?
Nah, never.

XXL Magazine: But Bush pretty much…
DMX: You think Bush is making fuckin’ decisions?

XXL Magazine: He did, yeah, he fucked up the country.
DMX: He act like he making decisions. He could barely speak! He could barely fuckin’ speak!
Can’t be serious. He ain’t making no damn decisions.

XXL Magazine: Well Barack has a good chance of winning so that might be something.
DMX: Good for him, good for him.

Absolutely classic. Look for this interview and much, much more on DMX's new album "Head In Da Sand Since '97".

NEXT TIME, TRY SCREWING DOWN

2008-10-19T17:48:00.007-05:00

Not that this is a political website by any means, but it's just so damned hard to discuss anything else these days. Also what happened last Thursday night was a meld of entertainment and politics and reality TV at it's best, not simply a cable news round table discussion amongst lying insane right-wing clowns, former Channel 1 anchors, and some new boy who's on after Olbermann. Ladies and gentlemens, last Thursday, October 16, 2008, one day after the final Presidential debate, the real Presidential campaign began for Senator John McSame for he reputiated his bail out on the Late Show with David Letterman.

Just a brief background for those who are not privy to all this new shit. First, David Letterman wants to have Senator McSame on his "big show." McSame agrees and the episode is scheduled. Two hours before the show is to be taped, John "I'm going to Rio to get laid" McCain calls and cancels on Dave citing the teRRible economic crisis in Washington. He tells Dave he has to cancel so as to immediately fly back to Worshington and fix this doggone mess. Later that evening, not only is McLame still in NYC, he's doing an interview with TV's Katie Couric and Letterman has to go with "Plan B" Keith Olbermann. Dave angry. Dave tell harsh McCain joke every night. Dave challenge McCain. Dave control election. Finally, realizing what a huge fuck up he had made, McPlain agrees to a make-up interview. Here are the proceedings...

Well done, Dave. As they say in the lesbian relationship business, "Who's the man?"

GOT A LIL' CAPTAIN IN YOU?

2008-10-09T11:37:00.003-05:00

Honestly, I don't even know why I'm posting this because Lord knows I drank like a fish in high school, but here you see America's favorite teenager, Bristol Palin, her goofy-ass friend with a mirror image of Bristol's hairdo, and what appears to be a 2/3 empty handle of Captain Morgan brand spiced rum. Oh wait, I remember why I'm posting this: BECAUSE HER MOM'S GOING TO RUIN THE WORLD! And she (her mom) lies quite a bit too. Anyways, let's analyze this photo a bit, shall we?

1) From what I can gather, Bristol Palin supports WWI and WWII Nazi heroism. Her affinity for wearing Iron Cross apparel can only mean she has a special place in her heart for only the best Nazis...including Adolf Hitler.

2) Do you really need that much pink and purple frilly shit in your room? Is that a purple snow globe on your dresser? Can't you just look outside your window and see snow (and Russia) almost anytime you want? What's that medal on the wall for? Underage binge drinking mayhaps?

3) Who's this imitating, dependent ass-clown you're hanging out with? Can't you see she's stealing your every move? From your signature Palin updo to your generic peace sign, this girl is milking your thunder. Is she the one forcing you to drink half a gallon of spiced rum? Bristol Palin, I don't much care for this crowd you're running around with.

4) The peace sign? Really, Bristol? Who does that? No one flashes the peace sign anymore and if they do, they actually mean it. They don't have a mother who doesn't know the first thing about bringing piece to this world. If you flash the peace sign in a picture, Bristol, your mother cannot be someone who will attack countries willy-nilly that don't necessarily agree with our American values or democratic way of life. You must understand that there are different view points in different parts of the world and that history also plays a large role. The peace sign is not to be fucked with. If you don't understand it's value or do anything to actually promote peace, you are not allowed to throw it up in a digital snapshot during a drunken haze.

5) Also, the lid is on the bottle and I don't see any cups anywhere. Is that mostly empty handle of Captain your mother's? Did you just steal that out of mommy's liquor cabinet for a cool photo op with your teeny bopper friends. Are you guys just really fucked up on meth and couldn't figure out how to unscrew the cap? Why don't you just go have unprotected sex or something like normal teenagers? Maybe you could find some redneck hockey player douchebag who'd want to fuck you then flip off the camera.

YOU MIGHT BE A REPUBLICAN...

2008-10-07T16:36:00.005-05:00

If you claim to have sold your state's taxpayer-funded transportation jet on eBay for a profit but really sold it through an aircraft broker for a $600,000 loss...you might be a Republican Vice Presidential Nominee.

If you tell people at a convention speech you stopped a "Bridge to Nowhere" but really supported it in your gubernatorial election...you might be a Republican Vice Presidential Nominee.

If you still kept the $223 million dollars for that "Bridge" that you "stopped" and used it for other pork barrel projects throughout your glorious state...you might be a Republican Vice Presidential Nominee.

If you claim to have "championed reform to end the abuses of earmark spending by Congress" but employed a lobbyist to secure $27 million for your town of 9,780 ($2760 /person) then requested another $453 million in earmarks over your two year governship...you might be a Republican Vice Presidential Nominee.

If you wink more than three times at the camera during a nationally televised debate...you might be a Republican Vice Presidential Nominee.

If your town of less than 10,000 people has a new $15 million hockey arena that was built before your town even owned the land it was to be built on...you might be a Republican Vice Presidential Nominee.

If you disagree with anyone who would say "we can't drill our way out of our energy problems"...you might be a Republican Vice Presidential Nominee.

If your town is known as the "Meth Capital of Alaska" with more than 42 meth lab busts in a single year...you might be a Republican Vice Presidential Nominee.

If you claim to have "fought oil companies" but your inaugural ball was funded by BP...you might be a Republican Vice Presidential Nominee.

If you protect taxpayers from wasteful spending by requesting travel reimbursement for 312 nights you spent in your own home...you might be a Republican Vice Presidential Nominee.

If you have more children than years with a passport...you might be a Republican Vice Presidential Nominee.

If you are forcing your pregnant teenage daughter and her redneck boyfriend to get married...you might be a Republican Vice Presidential Nominee.

If that same pregnant teenage daughter spends more days with you campaigning and traveling than she does in class...you might be a Republican Vice Presidential Nominee.

If you claim to have foreign policy experience because you "can see Russia from your house" or because you are bordered by Canada to the east...you might be a Republican Vice Presidential Nominee.

If you can't actually see Russia from your house...you might be a Republican Vice Presidential Nominee.

If you cut funding for your state's Special Olympics programs but have a newborn who was diagnosed with down syndrome...you might be a Republican Vice Presidential Nominee.

If your middle name is "Louise Heath"...you might be a Republican Vice Presidential Nominee.

If your nickname in high school was "Sarah Barracuda"...you might be a Republican Vice Presidential Nominee.

If you're not sure that man is the cause of our current global warming and environmental crises...you might be a Republican Vice Presidential Nominee.

If you would ban abortion in nearly every case (except rape, incest, or endangerment of the mother) but don't believe anyone should ever end up in jail for having an abortion...you might be a Republican Vice Presidential Nominee.

And finally, if you refer to the average working class "fundamental" of this great nation as "Joe Sixpack"...you just might be a Republican Vice Presidential Nominee.

CHOKEY McSWEPT

2008-10-07T16:08:00.005-05:00

Last Sunday night marked the end of an era...and the beginning of another. The Chicago Cubs were swept out of the 2008 NLDS by the all-powerful Brooklyn Dodgers of Los Angeles, completing 100 years without a World Series victory and beginning another 100 years of what's sure to be more letdown and embarrassment. Tauted by many to not only take the NL title but also the whole shebang, the Cubs have once again proven their overwhelming ability to trip over their dropped trou and fall face first into a puddle of their own stinking urine. As if last year's postseason collapse wasn't enough, the Cubs have managed to completely outdo themselves this year. At least after last year's October crumble, there was still a "wait 'til next year" attitude lingering in the narrow minds of the Northsider fans. Now, with what was believed to be "their year" and having one of the best teams in all of baseball (topped only by the California Angels of Los Angeles that play in Anaheim), the Scrubs have let down whatever was left of their pathetic fanbase. Maybe forever. Also, how did Jimmy "Funboy" Edmonds work out for you? How about Kosuke "Worst All-Star Selection Ever" Fukudome? Your revolution is over, Cubs fans! Condolences! My advice to the Cubs is to do what the other big-market teams are doing: get a new stadium, sir. The Cubs will always lose. Do you hear me Cubs fans? THE CUBS WILL ALWAYS LOSE.

5 MINUTES ALONE

2008-09-29T16:09:00.003-05:00

As the 2008 regular season draws to a close, I would like to take a minute to post my favorite sports-related commercial of the past year. Seen pretty much only during Cardinals games on FSN, this little gem always brought a smile to my face. Here's to you Albert and your hilarious Dominican accent and 1950's values. MVP! MVP! MVP!

DO YOU HAVE A FRESH PAIR OF PANTIES ON?

2008-09-17T11:32:00.000-05:00

DADDY'LL HAVE AN OLD FASHIONED

2008-09-12T17:34:00.000-05:00

Here is a positively far-out link to some neato wallpapers of the most out-of-sight show on television, AMC's Mad Men. Don't be squaresville with that sorry excuse for a wallpaper you have now, download one of these. You could even print it out and run copies on the new Xerox machine.

BAKE ME A DRESS

2008-09-12T16:59:00.000-05:00

Is it just me or were woodsman cake boy Geof Manthorne and season 5 Project Runway hopeful Leanne "Bangs" Marshall separated at birth? Not only do they look exactly alike, they also have the same mind-numbing, soft-spoken, over-thought, weird timing speech patterns. Its kind of awesome that your Doppelgänger can also be a cable TV star just like yourself. You would think they would just happen upon one another in between channels and be like "WTF! That chick/dude looks and talks just like me! And they're a cable TV star! And I'm a cable TV star! And we look and talk exactly alike! And we're both cable TV stars!" I'm just saying, the world can be weird sometimes. Although, to be fully appreciated one must watch a few epsiodes of Ace of Cakes and Project Runway 5: It's Pre-Lifetime to see how much alike these cats is. Here are some doozy moving pictures of the long lost twins.

Now both of yous, get it on and get me a baby that can sew a jeep to a wedding cake. And that baby better have a beard and straight bangs.

HE'LL HAVE LINGONBERRY PANCAKES

2008-07-18T12:05:00.000-05:00

For those oblivious to the world of hops, barley, and commerce, the "Great American Lager" is not so much American any more. Anheuser-Busch has accepted a $52 billion takeover bid (about $70/share) from Belgium-based InBev NV to create the world's largest beer maker and end a month-long standoff. The new company will be called something like "The Anheuser-Busch Brewing Company of Belgium at St. Louis," and while pitching the deal InBev chief executive Carlos Brito has said that he is "committed to the city of St. Louis" and "that changes here would be minimal." One change Brito said that will take place almost immediately after this year's MLB All-Star Game in New York, AKA the Josh Hamilton post-homerun derby game, will be to the long-standing uniforms worn by the St. Louis Cardinals. First-baseman Albert "Winnie the" Pujols, one of the first to try on the new outfits said, "Liederhosen been beddy beddy good to me. They'll be beddy good for hot, muggy days in late July and August, you know?" Native-American and current Cardinals ace, Kyle Lohse, had a slightly different perspective saying, "What the fuck is this liederhosen shit? What is this Uder bullshit? I don't fucking care. It don't matter to Lohse. We got a date this postseason, baby!" Sporting goods stores around the St. Louis area report brisk sales of the new Cardinal get-ups.

WHAT IN THE WIDE, WIDE WORLD OF SPORTS IS GOING ON AROUND HERE?

2008-06-24T15:00:00.000-05:00

First they told us Pluto is no longer a planet. Now we're supposed to believe aliens are real. Has the whole world gone crazy? Am I the only one around here who gives a shit about the rules? In case you haven't heard or in case you've been abducted for the past month or two, Stan T. Romanek (the "T" by the way stands for "Tiger") has alleged real footage of an alien pederast looking through his window. Stan set up the camera because he thought peeping Toms were spying on his two teenage daughters. However, what was caught on tape looked to be a little more "otherworldly." A screening of the video was set up by professional weirdo Jeff Peckman in hopes of provoking a debate about the existence of extraterrestrial life. Well sir, you have succeeded. Peckman also claims the federal government has not disclosed all known information of alien life. No shit, Sherlock. I don't think they've posted the blueprints to the Doomsday Device yet either. Furthermore, Peckman has initiated a drive to require the city of Denver to create an Extraterrestrial Affairs Commission or "EAC!!!!!!!" to you and me. "EAC!!!!!!!" will use tax dollars to mediate alien encounters, research alien contact, establish protection from aliens, and I suspect handle all Denver human gay marriages. He will need 4000 signatures from mile-high residents for the initiative to make the November 2008 ballot. Good luck with that, buddy. None of the actual Romanek video has been released to the public save for one now infamous screen shot, but plenty of amateurs have created both convincing and hilarious spoofs. Peckman says his drive comes from his belief that alien technology is far more advanced than our current human technology and could solve many of the world's existing and looming problems. Looks to me like they still rely on good old petrol, Jeffy.

COME BACK HERE WITH MY $8.00!

2008-05-27T15:20:00.001-05:00

Memorial Day weekend has come and gone and with it came the opening of the new Indiana Jones movie: INDIANA JONES AND THE TRAILER OF CRYSTAL METH or something like that. In between grilling pig ribs and chickens, consuming prodigious amounts of booze and muscle relaxers, sweating my ass off, and of course remembering that freedom isn't free (it costs $1.05), my special lady friend, her sister and I headed to the good ol' Moolah theatre to take in a Monday matinée of the aforementioned Harrison Ford vehicle. I wasn't expecting much from this movie mostly based on hearsay and speculation. I mean c'mon, Indy's like 70 in this movie. However after actually seeing the movie, the problem wasn't the age of the fedora crusader, it was the movie itself. The plot was anticlimactic, the special effects were Lucased out of their mind, there was absolutely no nudity or funny Asian childrens, it didn't have no good music on to it, and did I mention the plot was anticlimactic? The highlights of the film were 1) the performance given by Harrison Ford and B) greaser Shia LeBeouf dipping his comb in Joe College's soda then combing his hair with it. That's it. There was plenty of action and chase scenes and jungles and insects and then just when you think there might be some huge showdown or some kingdom of gold or some sort of human enlightenment, there's just a lame cop out of an ending. Let me some up the film in typical Seinfeld fashion: There's a crystal skull yada yada yada Indy gets married. The end. I would only see this movie if you've already seen IRONMENS and you have an extra $8.00 you just don't know what to do with. It wasn't terrible but for the amount of time between this film and The Last Crusade, you'd think they (Steven Spielberg and George "Wolfman" Lucas) would have tried a little harder. I blame the shittiness of this movie entirely on those two rich-ass bastards. Nice try, nurses.
PLOT: C-
PERFORMANCES: B+
SPECIAL EFFECTS: C
CINEMATOGRAPHY: C
OVERALL: C

BRING BACK THE DEVIL

2008-05-20T14:19:00.000-05:00

It has recently come to my attention that the Tampa Bay Devil Rays are now simply called "The Rays." This is the stupidest thing I've ever heard, and I've heard some stupid things in my day. In an effort to bring the glory back to the slippery, slimy aquatic animal that is the devil ray and moreover good ol' Beelzebub, I've began the "Bring Back the Devil" campaign. Together we can say "neigh" to all those who claimed the original name was too long, offensive, or hard to spell. There's no reason, there's no fucking reason why a team should be born under one name and then have that name changed because a few Bible thumpers from America's wang were offended. Nevermind that in 10 years of existence the Devil Rays have yet to have a season above .500...though they are currently at the top of the AL East this year. How would you feel if your parents named you Lucifer and then during middle school just when you began to really figure out who you are and have started to make friends, your straight-edged parents decide they're going to change your name to Lucille. What a kick in the nuts to use the parlance of our times. The team have even gone so far as to fine announcers who still refer to them as the Devil Rays $1.00 per offense. Simply ludicrous! Well sirs and madams, I will continue to call them the Tampa Bay Devil Rays or maybe the Tampa Bay Rays of the Devil or perhaps the Demonic Beams of Satan's Light of Tampa Bay and I encourage all of you to do the same. While you're at it, cast your official vote in the "Bring Back the Devil" poll in the right-hand column of this blog. The Prince of Darkness and I thank you.

GOOD LUCK WITH THAT

2008-05-15T11:28:00.000-05:00

Apparently the Chicago Cubs were looking for a little more prance in their lineup. Or maybe more underage Murphysboro girls in the clubhouse. Possibly the Cubs were needing someone who could rob a homerun and then flail around on the ground afterwards. It's also a possibility they just needed someone who would "sit in the back and have a couple a beers." Whatever the reason, the trophy-challenged Northsiders decided to give good ol' Jimmy "Fun Boy" Edmonds a shot at centerfield. To make room for the California native with a "flare" for the dramatic, the Cubs optioned Felix Pie (pronounced "pee, eh?") to triple-A Iowa. Well, Chicago Cubs, just when I thought you couldn't possibly be any dumber, you go and do something like this...and TOTALLY REDEEM YOURSELVES! Look forward to game after game of striking out on the high gas with two men on, lighting quick throws to the cutoff man, fist fights with Zambrano, a sudden rise in ass pinches in the dugout, and plenty of Jim Edmonds/Simon Cowell free haircut days. Really, Chicago Cubs? Jim Edmonds? Really?

JERICHO MISSILES

2008-05-14T12:03:00.000-05:00

Even more impressive than Robert Downey Jr.'s ability to overcome substance abuse, or his ability to put on a damn good black face, or even his knack for playing the overly hirsute is his ability to be a superb super hero. After seeing the pre-summer blockbuster Ironmens last weekend, I was thoroughly impressed with how perfect RDJ was for the role. On the whole, Ironmens was one of the best movies I've seen since No Country for Old Mens and There Will Be Blood and certainly the best action/superhero movie in a good long while. The feature is more than compelling with ample background info, current affairs, explosions, expensive cars, high-tech gadgetry, and even the Duder as a ruthless power-crazed, money-hungry villian. Who'd a thunk it? Speaking of the Dude, one of my favorite parts of the movie is not only that he rides a Segway, but he ghost-rides it to get off. It doesn't get much more rad than that. But back to Downey II. His acting was intriguing to say the least with just enough sarcasm and struggle to become the best super hero actor of all time. Sorry, Michael Keaton and Shaq. The special effects of this movie are sick. Take a little bit of Transformers, a little X-Men, some Three Kings, mix it in with a little Charlie Chaplin and add a dash of Robocop and you have Ironmens. If you have not yet done so, I strongly recommend seeing this movie. Hell, see it more than once. You won't regret it. Also, watch for the Tom Morello cameo as a "Insurgent #5."
PLOT: A
PERFORMANCES: A-
SPECIAL EFFECTS: A
CINEMATOGRAPHY: A
OVERALL: A

GORDEN RAMSAY QUOTES OF THE WEEK

2008-05-14T11:54:00.000-05:00

"Sounds like another fucking weirdo on Dr. Phil." --Ramsay on Ben's inability to adapt to the Ramsay style of kitchen communication.

"Don't start peeing your fucking knickers." --Ramsay to Christina on her perfectly cooked beef.

HARD BODY YADI

2008-05-13T11:55:00.000-05:00

Sometimes there's a man, and I'm talking about Yadier Molina here, sometimes there's a man who, wahl, he's the man for his time and place, he fits right in there--and that's Yadier Molina, in Milwaukee. And even if he's a man that argues balls and strikes, and Yadi was most certainly that--quite possibly the most upset about home plate umpire Paul Schrieber's inconsistency in Milwaukee County which would place him high in the running for most pissed-off worldwide--but sometimes there's a man...sometimes there's a man. Wahl, I lost my train of thought here. But--aw hell, I done introduced him enough.

Maybe it was the fact that the Redbirds where down by 6 runs and had lost 4 out of 5 of their last games. Maybe it was the fact that Yadier "Faster Than a Heard of Turtles" Molina was batting in the number 2 position in the lineup--nudged between Jared Michael and the latest college Jeopardy winner. Maybe it was the fact that he already watched Ryan "Lloyd" Braun put two of Wainwright's pitches in the cheap seats and it was only the 5th inning. Maybe it was the fact that it was the Cardinal's 11th game in a row without a day off. Maybe Yadi knew he got the nod on my fantasy team after sitting a week or two in favor of his older, slower brother Benji. Whatever it was, Yadi lost it in the 5th inning last night and gave home plate umpire Paul Schrieber the "what-for." From what I can tell, Yadi just wanted to know where the pitch was. It looked like strike just like 10 or 20 others the umpire had already missed and Yadi simply wanted an explanation. Those familiar with the game of baseball know that arguing balls and strikes is a sure way to an early shower. Nevertheless, sometimes there's an umpire so incompetent that the game's best defensive catcher and an otherwise calm man will simply lose it. "That was awesome," Wainwright said. "If you're going to get tossed, you might as well make it a good one." Indeed. Here's to you Yadi. Way to keep 'em honest. And while I'm at it, kudos to Papa LaRussa for sticking behind his catcher and getting tossed himself. Maybe they just wanted to lather up each other's backs.

GORDON RAMSAY QUOTES OF THE WEEK

2008-04-24T16:19:00.000-05:00

A few days late, here are the quotes from this week's Hell's Kitchen...

"I'm seeing a plastic surgeon on Monday" --Vanessa commenting about the severity of her hot oil burn

"I don't know percentages, but more than that." --"Lobotomy" Craig trying to top his opponent's answers of 110% and 1000% effort to stay in the competition

CAN'T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG?

2008-04-16T11:41:00.000-05:00

DAN'S WARM WEATHER HANGOUT

I know this goes without saying but the St. Louis Cardinals are the hottest team in baseball right now. Even the off-field antics of Dan "Pederast" McLaughlin and Al "Baseball is a microcosm of life" Hrabosky can't wain the Redbirds from destroying their competition night after night...or at least for the majority of their series. Last night was no exception with Dan whining about how the heater he and Al purchased together was not being shared and his feet and legs were getting a little chilly. Dan then proceeded to bitch and moan about his frigid toes for another two or three innings until Al finally agreed to share. "My legs are actually getting a little hot," Al said scooting the heater between them. Maybe next time you should wear something besides pantyhose and high heels to the game Dan.

I'm also not so sure about that there Adam Kennedy. The guy is totally hit or miss. He started off last night's game by throwing two balls in the dirt to Pujols, one of which pulled Pujols off the bag and forced the $13.8 million-dollar man to jam his wrist into Bill Hall to apply the tag. Everyone in Busch Stadium and the surrounding STL area collectively held their breath as Pujols threw off his glove and grasped his strained wrist. Luckily, Albert appeared to be OK staying in the remainder of the game and assured everyone he would thoroughly exercise his wrist in the showers after the game. Kennedy then proceeded to have a three-hit night and made an amazing stop up the middle late in the game. What is with this guy? The word is consistency Adam. Look it up. Nevetheless the Cards have already posted 10 wins for April and show no signs of slowing down. Well done, sirs.

GORDON RAMSAY QUOTES OF THE WEEK

2008-04-16T11:36:00.000-05:00

This week was "Family-style Chicken" on Hell's Kitchen 4. Here are my picks for the top quotes of the week. There was one more but I already deleted the episode from my Tivo and I can't remember what the hell it was.

"Not these chickens you donuts!"

"Did you fuck the chicken?"

Now that's classic Ramsay.

SOMEONE GET THIS MAN A HOOKER!

2008-04-14T16:19:00.000-05:00

Hello friends. Every once in a while someone will bring something uproarious to my attention. This is one of those occasions. My dearest friends Sam, James, and Carolyn were raving about the hilarity of the following website, a website that delves deep into the life and times of one Jon Arbuckle. In the words of the author, "Who would have guessed that when you remove Garfield from the Garfield comic strips, the result is an even better comic about schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, and the empty desperation of modern life?" Here are some choice picks from good ol' garfieldminusgarfield.tumblr.com. Please do enjoy...

...and my personal favorite...

JUST AS I SUSPECTED

2008-04-10T11:25:00.000-05:00

THE CARDINALS WILL CUT OUT YOUR HEART AND EAT YOUR GIRLFRIEND.

Here we are during the second week of Major League Beisbol 2008 and the St. Louis Cardinals are at the top of the NL Central. In fact in all of baseball, the only team to top the Cardinals' god-like .778 winning percentage is the Baltimore Orioles' (.857). The 'Birds are red-hot and are surprising everyone who thought this would be a "rebuilding year." Rebuilding schmeebuilding. I knew all along this was going to be a dominant team and documented the fact back on March 6. Our pitching is lights-out and the hitters are finally starting to heat up. Rick Anky-el is so hot right now, Pujo pounded two dongs last night, and Troy "Boy" is on somewhat of a tear. And let's not forget, let's NOT forget, Skip Schumacher who went 3-4 with a double last night bringing him out of an 0-15 opening slump. We've added speed and youth and got rid of the fun boys, old men, little girls, and the crazies. This is certainly the team to beat and in celebration of the team's success I've decided to do a complete roster nickname rundown. Please feel free to make comments or post your own unique nicknames...please, nothing offensive to women or Hispanics. Here goes:

The 2008 St. Louis Cardinals
29 Chris "Jesus was a" Carpenter*
33 Matt "Wet" Clement; Matt Clement"o Loaf"*
34 Randy "Floors" Flores; Randy "Hardwood" Flores
31 Ryan "Beans and" Franklin
44 Jason "Gardenhoser" Isringhausen
56 Kelvin "Jimmylegs" Jimenez
19 Tyler "His dick or his rod or his" Johnson
52 "Skinny" Josh Kinney*
26 Kyle "I look like Randy Flores" Lohse
41 Braden "Pooper" Looper
46 Kyle "Gellin' like" McClellan
30 Mark "Word to your" Mulder; Mark Mulder "and Scully"*
35 "The first" Joel Pineiro; Joel "Born the king of Israel" Pineiro*
23 Anthony "Baseball's best-dressed" Reyes
36 Russ "Rum" Springer*
48 Brad "Babyface" Thompson
27 Ron Villone" 's ringing"
50 "Up and" Adam Wainwright
37 Todd Wellemeyer "Bologna"; "Big Head" Todd Wellemeyer "and the Monsters"
21 Jason "Make" LaRue "Ahead of time"; Jason "Skip to" LaRue
4 "Hard body" Yadier Molina
8 Troy "Boy" Glaus; "Chips A' " Troy Glaus; Troy "Semi-" Glaus, Troy "Quiet as a" Glaus
84 Colby "Assmunch" Rasmus; "The Elusive" Colby Rasmus*
3 Cesar "Salad" Izturis
7 Adam "Who shot" Kennedy; Adam "Jacqueline" Kennedy "Onassis"
12 Aaron "I can see for miles and" Miles; Adam "I would walk 5000" Miles
5 Albert "Winnie the" Pujols; Albert "Pujo" Pujols; Albert "Stinky" Pujols
13 Brendon "The Boog" Ryan*
59 Rico "Suave" Washington; Rico "Martha" Washington; Rico "Smooth George" Washington
24 "Slick" Rick Ankiel; Rick "Hammerin' Ank"iel; Rick "The Stick" Ankiel
54 Brian "Marley" Barton; Brain "Don't call me Mischa" Barton
16 Chris Duncan "Donuts"; Chris "Grizzly Straight" Duncan; Chris Dun"can of chew"
47 Ryan Ludwick"ipedia"
55 Skip "Jared Michael" Schumacher; Skip "Super Sport" Schumacher; Skip "To the Lou" Schumacher

* denotes not on active roster

THE MERS VERTA

2008-04-02T13:57:00.000-05:00

FINE YOUNG CANNIBALS

The Mars Volta will be gracing St. Louis with their presence on Thursday April 17. These are some of the most innovative, talented gents in rock music today and their latest album, The Bedlam In Goliath, may very well be their best. Tickets are still available and I highly recommend attending this show, though I do not recommend slam dancing. Apparently Cedric, the lyricist/vocalist, is against it in that it's "something you learn from TV." Fair enough. When I create a mind-blowing library of albums with my good buddy Omar then I too can say and do whatever I want. Until then I'll obey the man with the afro and microphone. For a not-so-brief history of the band, check this out. I'll see y'all on the Pageant floor.

OPENING DAY WORSHOUT?

2008-03-30T13:00:00.000-05:00

The 117th Opening Day here in St. Louis, Misery commences tomorrow, Monday, March 31 with the Clydesdales stamping around the soggy warning track at 2:30pm. Following the massive horse-beasts will be the glorious Ford motorcade. The motorcade is basically a parade of convertibles donning Cardinals Hall-of-Famers, Cardinals Front Office Big Shots, and of course, current Cardinals players and coaches. I assume Tony will not be driving (glug, glug, snooze, snooze). I hope they've equipped the shitty Ford convertibles with 4-wheel drive ( a.k.a. "all-wheel drive" for the Yuppie crowd) because the track and field will be nothing but mud. It has been raining heRRe in the Lou for the past 37 days and is supposed to rain tomorrow as well. Luckily Tuesday is an off-day should Monday's game be worshed out. On the other hand, it's supposed to rain Tuesday too. Should the horse-beasts and Ford-brand convertibles find themselves in good weather, they will be immediately followed by the Mini Mizzou Marching Band's rendition of the national anthem and the ceremonial first pitch thrown by Mizzou head football coach Gary Pinkel. Really, St. Louis Cardinals ?!? That's the best you could do? The state's football team has an O.K. year and you let them take over your Opening Day ceremonies? Fucking Missouri. Nothing changes. Anyhoo, following the what-have-you will be the official first pitch coming from the healthy arm of starter "Up and" Adam Wainwright round about 3:15pm or somewhere around my 12th beer of the day. You can find me and my special lady friend in bleacher section 593 or just to the right of the visiting Colorado Rockies bullpen. We'll be the one's in red.